Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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