Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
