I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
