I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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