got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
