is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
