Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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