Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
