So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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