dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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