I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
