drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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