Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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