I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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