I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The adults are the big ones right?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
