i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
