I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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