why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
