Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
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