he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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