My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
