My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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