Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
