dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Randomize
