I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
