I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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