You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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