the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
