if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
