Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
