I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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