everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
