I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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