guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Holy sore nipples Batman
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
wow bdsm is so cute
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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