I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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