I will die if light touches me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I deserve this hangover.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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