And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
that's an acceptable place to lick
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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