I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
