I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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