I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
