So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
