Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
