the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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