Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
