why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize