Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
