I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
