I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
