This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
