I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
