hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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