walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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