These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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