he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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