my phone needs a breathalizer
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
